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Lottabull Simulations Confirm WOMP Probe Measurements, Julian Jove reporting

It is well known in the astrophysics community that measurements mean nothing until they are confirmed by computer simulations and modeling. Using the Lottabull simulation tool developed by ex-convicts at the Federal Science Foundation (FSF) and run on Limeytron’s new BeHeMoth supercomputer, scientists have confirmed the measurements made by the WithOut Much Precision (WOMP) space probe. A byproduct of these simulations was a daily diary of the universe from the present back to about 27 million years after the Big Bang. The researchers did not bother going farther back in time because the calculations can be done on any common cellphone handset and would never lead to a Nobel Prize.

Principal investigator and former crime boss Dr. Daniel (“Dangerous Dan”) McPelltier said in a recent interview at Mossmoor Prison, “The WOMP probe, launched in 1963 as a piggy-back payload on the Redstone-Hercules-Zeus rocket during nuclear testing at Johnston Atoll, has returned much data including the Berrypacker Oscillation Spectroscopic Survey (BOSS) and Hatfield Aeronious Matching Measurements (HAMM). We compared all this stuff to our Lottabull simulations. We found that dark energy and dark matter gather in clumps that surround super-galaxy clusters and cause them to accelerate. By speeding up and slowing down the BeHeMoth‘s clock rate, we were able to alter the measured data so that it matched our simulations (a popular process in the science industry known as 'cooking the data'), thus providing absolute, undeniable confirmation of the existence of dark matter and energy. Using Markarov statistical methods, we also ran Minibull and Multibull simulations to test for the existence of Little Green Men. What do you know, we found LGM in Alachua, Florida on the southeastern tip of the USA.”

Scientists celebrated their new findings by rewiring the BeHeMoth supercomputer with oxygen-free copper “Super-Conductor™” speaker wire, which they say “will obviously increase its ‘fidelity’ by three orders of magnitude”. Of the Mossmoor Prison, Dr. McPellteir says, “It is the nicest prision I have ever spent time at in this part of the country.”