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Radio Astronomer Determines the Moon’s Age, Julian Jove reporting

In yet another startling discovery, famous radio astronomer and crop circle expert Professor Fidelity “Fido” Waggmore of Sasquatch Run University in Washington, USA, said in a paper given at the recent Selenology and Radio Physics Union (SRPU) conference in Bilbao, Spain that the Moon’s age is not 4.430 001 billion years but is closer to 4.430 002 ± 0.000 000 000 000 001 billion years. Waggmore is well-known for her prize-winning discovery of the Petunia Pigg Bison in which she used only a 1N34A germanium diode and a small flashlight, both purchased at Sugar Shack Radio Supply in the small village of Wyle in north-central, South Carolina, USA.

It has long been thought by radio selenologists that the Moon formed as a result of the “Big Splat” when a Pluto-sized planet in a rogue orbit collided with Earth, stripping its outer layers and killing all the dinosaurs. However, new radio magneto-atmospheric evidence presented by Waggmore shows the contrary. She says the rogue planet actually deposited material that later formed Earth’s mantle, the layer just beneath its rocky crust. She claims a similar process occurred on the Moon, which she says already was there when the rogue planet passed by. When the Moon cooled down, the magnetic field formed from the combined fields of Earth, the rogue planet and the “old” Moon. At that instant the field was frozen in-place and the “new” Moon, as it is known today and observed at regular intervals ever since, was born. When asked what led her to study magnetic effects on the Moon’s formation, she replied “Nine out of the ten voices in my head said I should go into radio astronomy and that I would feel quite at home doing this kind of research.”

Using proprietary “phase counting techniques” and “slow-folding overlay algorithms” Waggmore made magnetic field pulse measurements in accordance with a scenario neutral approach and current ISO-approved six sigma scientific protocol. By calculating the strength of the field then and now and solving several “hairy” differential equations, Waggmore was able to calculate the Moon’s age within one part per quadrillion. An interesting side effect of these calculations was that Waggmore also found strong evidence that the cow jumped over the Moon.

Dr. Romulus “Romeo” Nunooruk, a scientist at the competing Moon Research Center and Country Club (MRC3, pronounced “emm-are-see-cubed”) at Moonlight Bay on Grand Cayman, said by satellite phone interview, “Waggmore’s measurements are well-done. We do not argue with her conclusions about the Moon’s age. However, we still are analyzing her data concerning the cow. We have conflicting measurements and calculations that it could have been a horse or even a large warthog that jumped over the Moon. Regrettably, this has caused a flood of controversy, name-calling and hand-wringing in the research community. Nevertheless, we continue working over the data to make it meet the minimum range of irreducible uncertainty. So that we can study the problem further, we have applied for additional NASA funds to increase the size of our golf course.”